I haven’t written in a while but that isn’t because I haven’t had secrets. Being an old woman continues take over much of what’s on my mind. I can’t forget that I’m over 80; it permeates most of what I do and think. Oh, there are times when I get immersed in the moment, while reading a book, cooking, being with a friend, but age is always hovering in the background, ready to remind me that I am 81, and that my time and activities are limited.
I’ve always lived in the future, planning and anticipating what I might do next. I can’t do that in the same way anymore and so a void, a void that I can’t fill, at least not as I used, has found a permanent place in my being. Future plans? Not those same big ones that includ new projects, interests, and friendships. My active life-work and projects are complete.
So where does that leave me? Sometimes empty, listless, bored, purposeless. But because I am an optimist, I am not depressed. I am doing my best to examine new ways of being and to accept that doing is not the go-to way that it used to be. I’m not there yet, but I’m feeling hopeful that more and more I will find myself sitting quietly with gratitude, not just for the everyday moments but for my lifetime of blessings.
I have the inkling that that is the secret that we old woman need to find inside ourselves, to admit to ourselves, and then to share with others. We can’t do this on our own—at least I can’t. My first gratitude is for my faith, which gives me hope and encourages me to share my old woman secrets.
No one after lighting a lamp hides it under a jar , or puts it under a bed, but puts it on a lamp stand, so that those who enter may see the light. For nothing is hidden that will not be disclosed, nor anything secret that will not be known and come to light. Luke 8:17
I’ve always lived in the future, planning and anticipating what I might do next. I can’t do that in the same way anymore and so a void, a void that I can’t fill, at least not as I used, has found a permanent place in my being. Future plans? Not those same big ones that includ new projects, interests, and friendships. My active life-work and projects are complete.
So where does that leave me? Sometimes empty, listless, bored, purposeless. But because I am an optimist, I am not depressed. I am doing my best to examine new ways of being and to accept that doing is not the go-to way that it used to be. I’m not there yet, but I’m feeling hopeful that more and more I will find myself sitting quietly with gratitude, not just for the everyday moments but for my lifetime of blessings.
I have the inkling that that is the secret that we old woman need to find inside ourselves, to admit to ourselves, and then to share with others. We can’t do this on our own—at least I can’t. My first gratitude is for my faith, which gives me hope and encourages me to share my old woman secrets.
No one after lighting a lamp hides it under a jar , or puts it under a bed, but puts it on a lamp stand, so that those who enter may see the light. For nothing is hidden that will not be disclosed, nor anything secret that will not be known and come to light. Luke 8:17
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