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Admitting my old woman secrets

7/20/2021

1 Comment

 
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I haven’t written in a while but that isn’t because I haven’t had secrets.  Being an old woman continues take over much of what’s on my mind. I can’t forget that I’m over 80; it permeates most of what I do and think. Oh, there are times when I get immersed in the moment, while reading a book, cooking, being with a friend, but age is always hovering in the background, ready to remind me that I am 81, and that my time and activities are limited. 
     I’ve always lived in the future, planning and anticipating what I might do next. I can’t do that in the same way anymore and so a void, a void that I can’t fill, at least not as I used, has found a permanent place in my being. Future plans? Not those same big ones that includ new projects, interests, and friendships. My active life-work and projects are complete. 
    So where does that leave me? Sometimes empty, listless, bored, purposeless. But because I am an optimist, I am not depressed. I am doing my best to examine new ways of being and to accept that doing is not the go-to way that it used to be. I’m not there yet, but I’m feeling hopeful that  more and more I will find myself sitting quietly with gratitude, not just for the everyday moments but for my lifetime of blessings. 
    I have the inkling that that is the secret that we old woman need to find inside ourselves, to admit to ourselves, and then to share with others. We can’t do this on our own—at least I can’t. My first gratitude is for my faith, which gives me hope and encourages me to share my old woman secrets. 
       No one after lighting a lamp hides it under a jar , or puts it under a bed, but puts it on a lamp stand, so that those who enter may see the light. For nothing is hidden that will not be disclosed, nor anything secret that will not be known and come to light. Luke 8:17

1 Comment
Peggy Sailors
3/24/2022 08:46:15 pm

I happened to come across your blog -- cottage - solitude - travel alone - old woman (ha) grabbed my attention. I absolutely love your paragraph and reflections starting with "...where does that leave me? July 20, 2021 post I have found that after reaching the age of 70, more and more I reflect on both the incredible moments of memories along this entire journey of life, in all its peaks and valleys, the richness, beauty. The sense of urgency to just be, live in the moment strengthens every day. Like you, I am always looking ahead to possibilities-an entirely new garden scheme, experiences that nourish my spirit, new friends, learning and expanding my mind and heart. I am so grateful to have discovered your blog. (I was researching Beth Chat's garden books and somehow found you!)

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    Author

       I am a 78 year old white, educated, privileged woman, in excellent health, with a wonderful family. I go to church and travel by myself to Italy and Scotland. That’s my public vita, my public persona. But that’s not all who I am. I have secrets, secrets of an old woman. So let me say some more.
         I’m old. Not in the usual physical ways of a person age 78, but I’m old in years, and that very fact guides the sense of meaning that I feel and experience in my life. Put succinctly, more and more my age is becoming the filter through which I lead my life.
         I’ve had a rich life, with caring parents, a loving husband of 54 years, two wonderful children, and four amazing grandchildren. My teaching career was rewarding; I published six books for teachers describing my experiences as a kindergarten and first grade teacher. When I retired I earned a divinity degree and became the spiritual care counselor for a local hospice.
        I ask myself if now I am really retired. Well, yes and no. Yes, in that I have more free and unscheduled time to satisfy my longing for silence, solitude and simplicity, which I blog about in this blog-- www.acottagebythesea.net, and more time to attend to my spiritual life, which I blog about in www.aprayerdiary.net. I have more time to spend with family and friends, help at church, read for pleasure, write, and travel,. My old woman secret is that I am still searching for meaning and the search is intense and life supporting.

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